Collected, verbatim and without context, by a reporter who mostly just stands near people and doesn't leave when he should.

“He said it was a family recipe. It was Pot Noodle.” The school gate

“I’m not saying who, but someone on that committee has a second phone, and nobody’s asking why.” The coffee morning

“He told her it was a work emergency. It was the darts final.” The sports bar

“He’s banned from the quiz. Nobody will say what he did. Nobody will say why, either.” Outside the Kings Head

“I said the noise was foxes. There have never been foxes, not once, not ever, and everyone on that street knows it.” The Co-op queue

“I’m not saying it was the vicar. I’m just saying nobody’s seen the vicar, and the curate’s been very relaxed lately.” The allotments